Patrick Says

Has anyone ever noticed that the name of John Lithgow’s character from ‘Shrek’, Lord Farquaad, is extremely close to the word ‘f**kwad’?

Anyone?

I’m just saying. They make a point of the correct pronunciation in the movie to draw you to this fact.

What’s the difference between a Chicago injury lawyer and an electric eel? I don’t know either and that’s not what this post is about. Read on.

So, EDW wrote a post about her favorite Christmas songs. Which inevitably will force someone else to list their favorites. That is what has happened here.

I should preface this list by saying there are a lot of Christmas and holiday songs I enjoy. This list is, by no means, complete. But these are the ones I took the time to download and have.

• ‘Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town’ as recorded by Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band - It’s live and it’s awesome. ‘Clarence, you been rehearsing so Santa will bring you a new saxophone?’ Great track.
• ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ by Burl Ives - It’s so simple and quaint. It’s like a big cup of cocoa for your ears.
• ‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree’ from Brenda Lee - This one is easy to sing along with and it’s a toe-tapper. Sort of a hillbilly funky cool to it.
• ‘Christmas Eve Sarajevo’ by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra - If you know me, you know I love anything that combines elements of symphony and rock. This one throws in Christmas. That’s awesome with a side of hell yeah.

There are others. Nat King Cole’s version of ‘The Christmas Song’ immediately comes to mind. But really, I dig a lot of the holiday tunes.

But what list is complete without the ‘other side’? The stuff I can’t stand. Here are a couple of those I have to turn off when they come on.

• ‘Santa Baby’ as recorded by anyone - I know that some of you (EDW for one) love this song, but I can’t take it. When she gets to the part where she demands the deed to a platinum mine, I want to club her in the head with a shovel and bury the body just outside Las Vegas. I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but…
• ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ by Paul McCartney - How did this song come about? Paul’s talking to Linda: ‘Linda, I’ve got a great idea for a Christmas song. I’ll repeat the same line 32 times. It’ll be great.’
• ‘Everything’s Gonna Be Cool’ by the Eels - This is the WORST offender. This song tries so desperately to be hip and cool and in the end, it’s faker than Katy Perry’s lesbian side. This lyric makes me cringe: ‘Baby Jesus, born to rock’. I’ve read the Bible numerous times…Jesus was not rocking. The song is so desperate for young people to like it. It’s like the ‘too old’ guy at the rock concert.

I guess that’s enough meanness. We’ll leave it at those three for now. But I reserve the right to call more crap as I hear it.

So, I’ve been toying with the idea of creating my own meme. Don’t know what a meme is. Read this. Anyway, so I had two different ideas.

1. Recasting: I name a movie, recent or classic, any genre or time. You then cast it with today’s movie stars. The idea is to create the worst possible film. For example, if I suggested ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’, you could cast Ashton Kutcher as Han Solo and Topher Grace as Luke Skywalker. Maybe even Wilford Brimley as Obi-Wan Kenobi. You get the idea.
2. DVD Cover Movie Review: For this one, I’d take a DVD cover of a movie I’ve never seen and review the movie including plot details, stars and my opinion of the movie…having never even seen it. Then you could review the movie for your blog. Obviously, you’re going for the funny.

What do you think? Would you play? Is Leptovox better than dieting? Huh? Sorry, ignore that last question. Seriously, would you play along with these memes or am I just running out of stuff to talk about?

I’m never more aware that both my parents are dead than I am around the holiday season. While many families have the dilemma of figuring out which grandparent to take the kids to visit on which holiday, there is no such problem here.

My father died in 1981 and had long since left my life prior to his death. That was all pretty much covered in this post. My mom died back in 2005. I covered that in this post.

Which, I suppose, is why I have a hard time with people who have mental breakdowns when a grandmother or grandfather dies. I just have a hard time seeing the grief past a certain point. Some grief I get. But some people really just go on for months and months.

That last paragraph sounds meaner than it is. But it’s true. I want to feel for you and what you’re going through. But then I want to shake you and say ‘come on, time to move it along’. So, I just go the silent route. Because it works. Because you’ve got to figure it out on your schedule.

And remember, both my mom and dad are dead.

The other time I realize I need my parents is when I’m in trouble. Sometimes, your mom or dad can help you with a loan or some sage advice that helps you push through a troubling time. Not so much for me. Not without a candle and a psychic anyway.

Take, for example, two weeks ago. I was driving home from work, balling like a little girl. (Yes, I said it. It was dark out and good news, folks, no one can see you crying in your car at night. W00t!) I sure could have used a parent right about then. And maybe a diaper and a pacifier as well, but that’s besides the point.

The point is that both my parents are dead.
Happy holidays, everybody!