Patrick Says

Remember the hit song ‘Jack And Diane’ from John Cougar Mellencamp back in the 80s? If you don’t, I’ve just dated myself horribly, but what do I care.

Anyway, here’s the quote I’d like to make fun of:

Suckin’ on a chili dog,
outside the Tastee Freez,
Diane sittin on Jackie’s lap,
He’s got his hands between her knees.

Huh? Why wouldn’t Jack like Diane? She’ll let you touch her thighs while she performs fellatio on a processed-meat product. What’s not to like!?!

That’s all I got. That verse was just buggin’ me.

On a side note, be extremely careful when looking up lyrics on the web. My experience is that lyric sites are notorious for being spyware and malware-ridden. If you do have to visit one, get the lyrics and get out. Definitely don’t click on anything that says ‘click here‘. Consider yourself warned.

There’s a lot of stuff I’d like to do. I’d like to lose weight fast. I’d like to watch ‘Chuck’ from the beginning. I’d like to find a million dollars in a bus station locker. Those things aren’t going to happen. How about instead we just make fun of musicians and their lyrics?

Hey! Look! Time for an installment of Dumb Song Lyrics!

Vanessa Williams won the Miss America title in 1983. In fact, she was the first African-American to be crowned. But, as we’ve talked about before, some embarrassing pictures surfaced and she relinquished her title. Rather than sulk in defeat, she rebounded and launch a massively successful career as a singer. One of her biggest hits was a beautiful ballad called ‘Save The Best For Last’.

It’s a beautiful song, but seriously, Vanessa, the sun never actually goes round the moon. It just doesn’t. That’s basic science, babe. The moon circles Earth and Earth circles the sun. It doesn’t change. Not even because some dude decided to love you all of a sudden.

Next.

Way back in American history, in a time called 1974, there was a musical artist/muppet named Carly Simon. (Seriously, she looked like a muppet.) Anyway, she had a hit song called ‘Haven’t Got Time For The Pain’. The chorus of this song contained the title lyric. Which made me think…that’s kind of a dumb song lyric.

Sidebar: What made me think of this? I have a headache brewing right now and went to get a pain reliever, maybe next to the thermogenic fat burners that really work, if I kept that kind of item at home. It reminded me of an old commercial that sampled said song. Now, let’s get back to me being snarky and making fun of old songs, shall we?

So, WHO actually has time for pain? I mean, really? ‘Oh, I’ve got the whole afternoon free, so maybe I can work in a headache, some back pain, a second degree burn on my wrist and maybe, I don’t know, some rectal itching?’ Nobody has time for the pain. Next!

You know, maybe we should have a feature called ‘Dumb Song Lyrics’. Maybe this will be the first post in the ongoing series. Hmmm…