Patrick Says

I had a friend in the military who would use the following expression when he saw an attractive woman:

I’d eat a mile of her [another word for excrement] just to see where it came from.

Not to them, of course. But he’d say to anyone around him. I’m not even kidding. There is so much wrong with this that I don’t even know where to begin. Look, I understand the point he’s trying to make. As a butt man, I totally get that you’d like to see a chick’s dumper, but really, this is just far too graphically disgusting. Not to mention impossible.

Let’s assume that one could poop a mile of feces, for starters. Let’s also say that that poop is one inch in diameter. So, calculating how much feces you have to consume is a simple math equation. To calculate volume of a tube, you multiply the area of the base times the height. So, in this case, the area is pi times the square of the radius, or .785 of an inch. Multiply that by one mile in inches (63,360 inches), you get 49,738 cubic inches of poop.

The volume of the human stomach can be distended to hold one gallon of food. Converting that poop to gallons gives you 215 gallons of poop, which is clearly more than your stomach can hold. So, that expression, my friend, is just plain impossible. Not to mention gross.

Yesterday, I needed some groceries for the boys. We’re really short on breakfast options. So, I hit the local Dierbergs near the hospital The Wife currently lives in. I’m walking the aisles getting stuff and I come across an endcap setup that grabs my attention.

Count Chocula.
Franken Berry.
Boo Berry.

The trinity of breakfast cereals.

I literally stop and stare. Must have them.
The sign says two for $5. Two? Two. TWO! WTF!!!

A little backstory…I don’t have actual OCD, but I am extremely anal retentive about sets and collections. Seriously. A friend once gave me the second ‘Family Guy’ ‘Star Wars’ parody and I couldn’t get a decent sleep at night until I got the first one. It seriously bothers me. If you gave me a Xerox Phaser 8560, I’d need to get 1 through 8559. On second thought, that last analogy might not hold up…

So, they’re two for $5.
Clearly, I HAVE TO BUY ALL THREE! ARGH!!!

So, they got me. I bought all three.
I need a nap.

Irma never told Eleanor how she really felt about her, picturing them running together in an open field. She didn’t need to. Eleanor knew.

(About Microfiction Monday.)

A couple weeks ago, ABC Family ran some commercials highlighting that they would be airing ‘Friday Night Lights’ from the first episode. And that’s probably where they got me. See, I’m a sucker for a series that I can watch from the beginning. Just ask The Wife. It’s extremely hard for me to get excited about a show if I can’t start at the first episode. I need to know the backstory. That’s just how I roll.

So, I add this show to the DVR to-do list. And three episodes get recorded.

Friday night, I sit down to watch the very first episode. And no joke, ten minutes in, I turned it off. Why? Because apparently, I forgot how much I hate jocks. And this show has every stereotype right there in the first ten minutes:

• The clean-nosed quarterback who takes care of his gran-gran.
• The full back who is a raging alcoholic with a smoking-hot slutty girlfriend.
• The token black guy (this time at fullback, but usually at wide receiver) who is just dying to get to the big times and get his bling-bling on.
• The fanaticism of the local town in a high school football team.

Yep. I hated it. I would rather surf for barcode scanners on the web in the nude at the public library than watch that eleventh minute of this show. EVERYTHING I need to know about high school football, I learned from ‘Varsity Blues’. Now THAT, my friends, is a fine film. And I’m completely serious when I say that.

If you’re thinking about a vacation (and really, you should be…the world is too depressing to not go somewhere and see something that is not your life), why not consider Branson Missouri vacations?

Branson is a popular destination for people from the Midwest, but the city is open to the world. And if you’re thinking about a vacation there, you’re going to need a website that provides you with all the information you need. I know, there are plenty of you tech-savvy enough to find all that information from a multitude of sites, but why do that to yourself?

Check that link in the first paragraph. Branson Getaways is a complete site with information on everything in Branson. Their site boasts schedules of all the major shows, places to lodge, listing of attractions and package deals for couples and families. They even have shopping info (which I understand Branson is extremely popular for) and maps of the area. They’ve helped 181,900 people get their vacation groove on. Why not give a shot?

I’m sure they’ll be happy to help.