It’s A Deep One…
(This was written months ago during a pensive mood. It’s intensely personal. I’ve held it, but decided to let it out there into the world.)
After my first child was born, I went through a very odd period of about two weeks. It was in that two weeks that I almost came back to religion. It all came about when I realized that eventually, I will die. I don’t think you get this until you have a child, this knowledge of mortality. Sure, we all know we’re going to die, but it doesn’t sink in until you see the person who is going to replace you.
And suddenly, I saw the world differently. I missed things. Stupid things, like chili dogs and that place over there. I realized that at some time in the future, those chili dogs and that place would be there, but I would not. I realized that there is a time when I’m only just a memory held by a few people and further along, I’m just a man in a picture from long ago. And it’s terrifying.
I believe it’s what sends people to religion. I understood that need. That need to believe that you go on forever. I looked around knowing that I had a short time left in this existence and I had so many things that I had not done. So many regrets, so many things I should have tried harder to do, so many mistakes that I shouldn’t have made.
And it made me sad.
In a way I had never been sad before.
It made my heart ache.
After flailing about for a couple days, I consulted with my spiritual adviser; we’ll call her Abby. She’s an atheist mostly, but tolerant of pretty much all. She helped me settle down. And I did. The ache subsided. I realized that while all those things would be there long after I was dead, I wouldn’t be aware of it. I like to think that when you die, you simply go back to where you were before you got here, to non-existence. A place where there is no joy, but also no pain. Just peace.
My kids have only begun their struggle in this world. I’m getting close to the downhill side of the mountain. And yes, someday I will just be a memory. And I’m okay with that. For now.
(No commenting on this post. This one you just read. Sorry.)
