Patrick Says

Yes, this picture is slightly naughty. But what it illustrates, and why I’ve posted it, is a simple life lesson that I, and maybe you, have forgotten. Sometimes, you just have to go for what you want. In life, we put so many obstacles in front of ourselves. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re scared of succeeding or because where you are is so much easier than uncharted territory. But in life, you have to grab the bull by the horns and make things happen. I don’t do nearly enough of that.

(Clearly, this is a staged photo. Don’t attempt to take a picture up a girl’s skirt unless you’ve worked it out ahead of time. I’m just saying…follow your dreams…unless they involve up-skirting unsuspecting women…pervert.)

I haven’t blogged in awhile. Well, I posted an entry a day or two ago, but that had been written awhile back. There hasn’t been new content for a bit. That’s because we had a family crisis. It nearly destroyed us, but we are on the other side and coming out of it. So, let me get back on the nordic track and pump out stuff.

I’m dry on topics. You’ve heard that before. Part of the problem is that this family crisis made me question everything. What does this blog actually do? What is its purpose? Why am I bothering? I envisioned it as a humor blog, but I was kidding myself. I re-envisioned it as a life blog. But that’s just not that interesting. So maybe it’s time to re-envision again.

What can I contribute?

I think I may starting posting more about issues. Where I stand on things. SAYING something. You can agree or you can disagree. But I need to feel like I’m really putting something out there that means something. Instead of just drivel.

What do you think? Will you stick around?

(This was written months ago during a pensive mood. It’s intensely personal. I’ve held it, but decided to let it out there into the world.)

After my first child was born, I went through a very odd period of about two weeks. It was in that two weeks that I almost came back to religion. It all came about when I realized that eventually, I will die. I don’t think you get this until you have a child, this knowledge of mortality. Sure, we all know we’re going to die, but it doesn’t sink in until you see the person who is going to replace you.

And suddenly, I saw the world differently. I missed things. Stupid things, like chili dogs and that place over there. I realized that at some time in the future, those chili dogs and that place would be there, but I would not. I realized that there is a time when I’m only just a memory held by a few people and further along, I’m just a man in a picture from long ago. And it’s terrifying.

I believe it’s what sends people to religion. I understood that need. That need to believe that you go on forever. I looked around knowing that I had a short time left in this existence and I had so many things that I had not done. So many regrets, so many things I should have tried harder to do, so many mistakes that I shouldn’t have made.

And it made me sad.
In a way I had never been sad before.
It made my heart ache.

After flailing about for a couple days, I consulted with my spiritual adviser; we’ll call her Abby. She’s an atheist mostly, but tolerant of pretty much all. She helped me settle down. And I did. The ache subsided. I realized that while all those things would be there long after I was dead, I wouldn’t be aware of it. I like to think that when you die, you simply go back to where you were before you got here, to non-existence. A place where there is no joy, but also no pain. Just peace.

My kids have only begun their struggle in this world. I’m getting close to the downhill side of the mountain. And yes, someday I will just be a memory. And I’m okay with that. For now.

(No commenting on this post. This one you just read. Sorry.)

Dear 2009,

FUCK YOU. Seriously. I hope you get gang raped on your way to the retirement home for past years. I hope they ‘shiv’ you over 128 times after they’re done and you bleed to death in a back alley.

(Clearly, I’m not writing from a good place.)

Love,
Patrick

P.S. Merry Christmas. (Happy, Jessica?)

If my posting has been sporadic, I’m sorry. We’ve recently had a medical crisis that has shook our family right down to the ground. We are getting up, but it’s going to be a long road. I’m sorry if I don’t share the details here.

Those of you who are more friends than readers have probably seen stuff over on Facebook or through email with me. Those of you who are just readers: I do appreciate you too, but some things are just too sensitive for the blog.

I hope to get back to regular posting soon. But first, I need to get a grip on real life and make sure Jen gets put back together the way she needs to be to keep on keeping on. Again, I’m really sorry if that’s cryptic. Don’t worry, though. I’ll be back soon enough boring you with inane posts about bathroom stalls or fish sticks or wedding invitations or whatever.