Facebook Continues To Get Weird…
I’ve talked before about how Facebook is changing the way we hold on to relationships. Where our parents would meet different people throughout their lives and friends would come and go, Facebook allows you to keep up with people from nearly every part of your life. It’s new and exciting, but sometimes confusing to navigate.
Take, for example, my time in Texas. I lived on-base in the dorms, but I had some friends who lived off-base in Fort Worth apartments. I used to hang with this one couple whom I considered good friends. In fact, the wife of that couple introduced me to my first grown-up girlfriend. (I had a couple girlfriends in high school, but really, they were weak relationships at best.) So, recently, I reconnected with the wife (now moved on to another husband) and she’s on Facebook. It’s cool catching up.
Inevitably, the ex-girlfriend comes up. We gloss over it, but the reality is that she and I met at the wrong time. It was an amazing time. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. But life worked out a different and great way with my wife. But now she (my friend from Texas) has friended the ex on Facebook. I’m a little worried. The ex and I haven’t talked in years. Right before I got married, I attempted to get in touch with her. (Not for a booty call, jerks.) Now the possibility exists that she could contact me. That scares me. And yet, I would really like to talk to her.
Which brings me to the point of this post. Why do we, as humans, try so hard to distance ourselves from the people we get so close to after it goes bad? You’d think we’d work harder to mend those relationships back to a friendship. You invest so much time and effort and then because something doesn’t work out right, you cut it off completely. Seems like a giant waste.
What do you think? How have your relations with your ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends ended? Did you become friends later? Share it in the comments!
November 19th, 2009 at 7:46 am
We distance ourselves because once you are so close with someone, and then hurt, you are left raw. Its usually the person you least expect to hurt you. Now, there is no trust. So, to protect ourselves from future hurt, you keep people at arms length. Possibly build yourself a wall. This is with any close relationship, not just boyfriend/girlfriend. Its self preservation.
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Patrick D. Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
That wall is a fine concept, but it works both ways. You can keep everyone out, but then, at the end of the day, you’re all alone. How much is self-preservation if it’s spent being alone?
Something to think about.
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November 19th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Yeah I agree with kim – you reconnect to mend old hurts but without a serious effort on both sides the trust will never be there. It should be worth 100% of the energy required to create the new friendship from the old one because it will assuredly never be the same (ie – old boyfriend/girlfriend and you’re now married). This has to be a new relationship with new parameters and STILL there will be remininces of old feelings and potential ‘what ifs’ no matter how much both parties say/try – that will not be the case.
I think it’s just easier in the long run to not have to deal with those things for most people and the current people in their lives. Because it’s no longer just you (or me) it’s me + my family now.
Wendy´s last blog …Networking at PASS Summit 2009
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Patrick D. Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I agree with some of your points, except for the old feelings. If an old flame can make you consider infidelity, your current relationship is simply not strong.
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November 19th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I can see how it would come across that way. What I’m trying to convey is that you once *did* have feelings for each other and it’s impossible not to recall what that was like – ie. pretend that it never was. It doesn’t have to be at the level of considering infidelity.
I certainly have great relationships with a few ex-boyfriends and while we now have gotten past the ‘past’, in the beginning it’s at least a little bit weird/awkward. If both parties can get past that, though, there is great potential. However, I believe that for many either they feel that can’t trust themselves, or they just don’t want to put that much effort into it (and trust that the other person will want to work on it just as much) that they don’t pursue it.
Wendy´s last blog …Networking at PASS Summit 2009
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Patrick D. Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I can see what you’re saying. And certainly, no one has to be friends with past flames, but I think in certain cases, a friendship could be rewarding.
(On a side note, this post has sparked some of the best comment content. Very thoughtful stuff. Makes me want to get more philosophical in posts.)
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