Patrick Says

So, my co-worker has on her desk a snow globe. And the snow globe is of New York City. Except that when you shake it, it doesn’t cover the city in snow. It covers the city in glitter. Which is weird. And totally unrealistic. I imagine the only way that would actually ever happen was if a helicopter full of strippers exploded over New York City.

And that would be a national tragedy.

On a completely unrelated note, people come to my site on weird search terms. Sometimes the words aren’t even arranged right, like ‘moving companies Los Angeles‘ or ‘Katy Perry spanked’. (Okay, I get that last one…good on you, mate.) Anyway, make your Google searches more better grammatically, okay?

While reform of health insurance leads the news, why not a benign post about garage sales for your Sunday morning?

We had a garage sale yesterday. We’re trying to raise money to change Steak’s room from safari nursery to Spider-Man big boy room. It’s time. So, we get a bunch of stuff and open the garage door and see what we get.

There are a surprising variety of garage sale people:

• The drive-by: Literally slows down, but never stops (unless they see something worth parking for). May do a second pass if first pass had possibilities.
• The scout: On first pass, driver will drop passenger and then go circle the block. If scout finds anything, they will flag down car on next pass. If nothing, they get picked up and go to next sale.
• The parade: Everyone gets out of car on this one. They form a single line and make one pass by every table and file directly back in the car.
• The regular: This is someone who gets out, shops around and looks.

I always hate when garage sales make the traffic all flow by the pay area. It makes it awkward if you don’t want to buy anything. But I guess that works for you if you’re having the sale. Anyway, we did decent at our sale, but not enough to get everything Steak’s room needs. Harrumph.

Wordless Wednesday

Okay, so I thought I was done blogging yesterday.
Well, I guess maybe I still have it in me.
I’m back in.

(Warning: This post is piled high with double entendres that might offend the sensitive. I think the post is hilarious. I re-read it three times and laughed every time. But consider yourself forewarned.)

So, I was talking to Jen the other day about the PBS kids channel. They had a show that I thought might be a slang term for the female reproductive organs. Turns out though that ‘Miffy’ is not the same as the word I was thinking of. BUT, I thought ‘how cool would that be as a show?’, and I got to thinking. And I came up with a killer animated show idea:

‘Snatch the Talking Beaver’
(Can you just smell the double entendre???)

Synopsis – Snatch is a lovable, furry beaver who moves from the river to New York City to seek out a new career. In New York City, she befriends Marcus (a talking razor). They become best friends and Marcus convinces Snatch to pursue a writing career. In each episode, hi-jinks ensue.

Episode Briefs

1. In the first episode geared to teach kids about picking up after themselves, Snatch doesn’t clean her room and while visiting, Marcus trips, falls and accidentally shaves Snatch. Adding to the troubles, Snatch’s new neighbor, Pete the Rooster, comes by to introduce himself and falls, landing right on top of Snatch. In the end, Snatch learns a valuable lesson about cleaning up.
2. In the second episode geared to teach kids to do their homework, Snatch enrolls in a writing class at the local college. She fails her first test after constantly missing her periods. Missing. Her. Periods. Let it sink in. See last episode if you need help. At episode’s end, after reapplying herself and doing the required homework, her periods get back to normal.
3. In the third episode geared to teach kids…oh who cares…the kids aren’t watching anymore…they got bored last episode, but the adults should be hooked. So, in this episode, the NYC adoption agency mistakenly drops off some baby (wait for it) crabs with Snatch. Not wanting to deal with the noisy tots, she gives Pete the crabs and somehow Pete ends up giving Marcus the crabs. Eventually, the adoption agency realizes the mistake and gives the crabs to the rightful adoptive parents.
4. In episode four, Pete’s friends invite Pete to a party, but insist he brings Snatch. They go, but the only partygoers there are roosters and beavers. Snatch takes a strange pill and passes out. She wakes up the next morning at home and sore all over and has no idea why. Strangely, Marcus has gone missing.
5. Episode five. Probably canceled by this point.

I know I have a lot of female readers. The vast majority of you are ladies. So, really, this question is directed at you. I want you to give it some serious thought as it’s a weighty question.

If I were diagnosed with some kind of cancer or some debilitating disease and had only months, maybe weeks to live, would you show me your boobs? Nothing weird like tuning a radio, mind you. Just a gander.

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