I Don’t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me…
I kind of snapped today.
Let’s backtrack a little. For the last two months, in our family, we’ve been dealing with some serious medical problems. Add to that the compounding money problems and you’ve got a recipe for grumpy me. But beyond that, things everywhere are going wrong. It’s all falling apart.
I was handling it okay for awhile, but it just kept piling up and piling up. And eventually, I had to snap. I was at work and Jen calls and says she has to go back to the ER. This would be the fourth or fifth time in the last month. And I’ve been missing a lot of work lately. I’m way behind.
So I lose it. I get to the parking lot and start slamming my satchel into any hard surface while screaming. I kicked my car a couple times and slam things. I fly out of the parking lot, get a block away and realize that I forgot to log out of the computer. So I spin a huge U-turn and fly back. I pull in the lot and there’s flashing lights behind me.
Yes. A cop.
I tell the cop I need to get home to take my wife to the ER and I came back to log out because I forgot and THE JERK STILL GIVES ME THE TICKET.
Dear Crestwood Police Officer,
I hope you get ass cancer. I’d wish you something bad on your heart, but you don’t friggin’ have one.
Signed, Me
I have never wanted to punch a cop so much in my life. I sign my ticket and go in to log out. Turns out I had logged out earlier.
[insert multiple expletives here]
More smashing of my stuff ensues in the parking lot, including my cell phone. And the best part, a co-worker saw my spaz-out and will probably be reporting me to…somebody.
Neat.
Jen and I discuss all this in the car on the way to the hospital. And she’s all ‘you need to see someone’. Fine. I guess I’ll be calling for an appointment.
But you may not know the back story on me and depression.
Depression and I go way back. All the way back to my early twenties. While in the military, probably due to family history, I realized that the thoughts and feelings I had were probably not good and I sought counseling. Eventually, it was diagnosed as chronic depression. I got on drugs (anti-depressants, not diet pills, I wasn’t fat yet) and responded well. I worked with learning to handle my depression over the next ten years and eventually, I didn’t need drugs.
But the last two months have been so hard. I just can’t hang anymore. I’m irritable all the time. I yell a lot. I’m incredibly agitated. I want the world to die. Painfully. All of you.
So, I guess I’m needing some help.
Dear Prozac,
I missed you baby. How you been? Let’s get back together?
Signed, Me
So, there we are…
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:45 am
And just when I thought things might be on the up-swing for you guys… I’ve told you before, even the toughest of people would have cracked after ALL that you’ve had to deal with. Maybe I’m a freak, but I think it’s ok to break down now and then. For some people that may be a good cry, for others beating on things in their office parking lot.
It certainly wouldn’t hurt to talk with someone. I believe taking care of your emotional side is just as important as our physical health.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:07 am
Dude – it’s totatlly understandable that you just have to let it out sometimes! And that cop was an asshat (sadly many of them are) and there is no doubt his karmic debt will come back to hit him some time.
Get any help you need. Your wife and kids need and love you so much and they don’t like to see you hurting either.
Wendy´s last blog ..The Best Thing I Learned at PASS Summit
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 am
I am so sorry things are tough for you all right now. The cop was an ass…it will come back to him one day.
Don’t be afraid to go back on the meds. And there are better ones now than Prozac. We all need help at some point…you will get through this time.
If I can help you all out in any way let me know. You were always a good friend, Patrick and I appreciate that in you. Hang in there and think of your boys.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:04 am
::hugs::
I’ve been off meds for about 2 years but have been thinking about going back on them lately.
Let me know if there’s anything I can do!
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Dude those Crestwood cops really irritate me too. I can’t stand those guys. And the CSO’s are jerks too.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
It sucks when everything hits at once. It’s cosmically unfair. Can’t hurt to have an impartial ear to dump on, to mix metaphors. Hope things start turning around soon.
jami´s last blog ..Jami Can’t Be the Only One Mad About This
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I completely understand your stress. My husband has been in the hospital FOUR times over March/April/May/June, for extended stays. We’ve dealt with poor treatment from Hospital #1, as well as quackery from his PCP, which made him worse and resulted in the third and fourth hospital stays. With the fourth hospital stay, he fired all of his doctors and got new ones from Hospital #2 (where I took him after the first two horrific stays at #1), I believe 100% if I hadn’t moved him to this other hospital, he might be dead by now.
Somehow, I managed to stay strong through all of this, because someone had to. I not only spent time with Mike at this hospital, but I also had to handle stuff like paperwork for his disability payments (which without, we’d be living in a soggy cardboard box somewhere). Even after the payments started coming in, I was forever in fear that his employer would not take him back after all of this.
Mike is doing fine now, and he will be returning to work probably next week. But shortly after he left the hospital, my panic/anxiety attacks came back…big-time. I’d had problems with this last summer. At that time, I went to some crappy doctor from the hell hospital chain, they gave me Prozac, and it made me sick. Then the doctor *fired* me because we had Cigna for insurance and they no longer wanted to take it. But the anxiety attacks stopped, so I didn’t worry about it any longer.
Flash-forward to now…the attacks were coming back, worse, and worse, so bad that I was sure I was gonna die. Fortunately, we have better insurance now, and we went to the ER of the good hospital that Mike went to.
I checked out fine, it was indeed the honkin-’est anxiety attack from hell. I went to see a PA at the hospital on Monday, and she gave me Zoloft, which she says has fewer nasty side effects than Prozac. So we’ll see how that works out. She also gave me the names of psychotherapists at the hospital to talk to.
I think that all of the stress with Mike was building up inside me for all of these months, and it finally felt free to come out when Mike was doing better and could take care of me.
Talking to someone and maybe going back on meds is a great idea, please do it. Nothing to be ashamed of. I wish you the best.
Oh, and that cop was a wanker. I hope he gets ass cancer, too.
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July 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
When I sought treatment for depression years back, I wrote out pages of symptoms and reasons. Part of me felt the counselor wouldn’t believe I was really depressed. Stupid, I know. After that first appointment, it was a relief to have her prett y much say, “No wonder you are depressed”
That’s pretty much what I’m thinking about your situation. There is no shame in drugs. They work especially when just thinking positive isn’t going to make life easier.
Tina Kubala´s last blog ..Come to Realize
July 7th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I usually wait until I get into the car to try and rip the steering wheel off as my knuckles turns whiter than my calves.
I do not think I’ve had a Saturday to do anything that wasn’t taking care of a sick wife or kid in the past year.
The gate needs to be fixed dangit.
I’m new to your blog. I look forward to other posts.
Hope everything worked out after the hospital.
Eric´s last blog ..Fun With Outlook!!!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I have another friend who is going through a tough time, and he has just started anti-depressants, too. I know it SUCKS to have to take them. I know. But it does work.
I’m always thinking of you and Jen and wishing you well.
EDW´s last blog ..Summer…it turns me upside down