Spending The Holidays With My Parents…
I’m never more aware that both my parents are dead than I am around the holiday season. While many families have the dilemma of figuring out which grandparent to take the kids to visit on which holiday, there is no such problem here.
My father died in 1981 and had long since left my life prior to his death. That was all pretty much covered in this post. My mom died back in 2005. I covered that in this post.
Which, I suppose, is why I have a hard time with people who have mental breakdowns when a grandmother or grandfather dies. I just have a hard time seeing the grief past a certain point. Some grief I get. But some people really just go on for months and months.
That last paragraph sounds meaner than it is. But it’s true. I want to feel for you and what you’re going through. But then I want to shake you and say ‘come on, time to move it along’. So, I just go the silent route. Because it works. Because you’ve got to figure it out on your schedule.
And remember, both my mom and dad are dead.
The other time I realize I need my parents is when I’m in trouble. Sometimes, your mom or dad can help you with a loan or some sage advice that helps you push through a troubling time. Not so much for me. Not without a candle and a psychic anyway.
Take, for example, two weeks ago. I was driving home from work, balling like a little girl. (Yes, I said it. It was dark out and good news, folks, no one can see you crying in your car at night. W00t!) I sure could have used a parent right about then. And maybe a diaper and a pacifier as well, but that’s besides the point.
The point is that both my parents are dead.
Happy holidays, everybody!
December 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I know what you mean. My parents are both gone, dad in 1987 and mom in 2005. So I definitely see what you mean. I also have a hard time seeing grief past a certain point. I guess after having so many people close to you go, you just don’t feel it anymore.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Grandparents, yes. Grieve and keep going. But parents, I get. Honestly, a full on breakdown is not about the death, it’s about what it triggers in you. So I’m going to come out and say I’m not judging what precipitates any breakdown. But, I think it’s normal for you to have to grieve for your grandparents when you are an adult, and harder to lose a mom or dad, especially when you are our age. Like, I expect that my mom will die. Fact of life. But I’m much rather her live to see my child grow up. To be there for me. Oh, you know I can’t talk about this…but you get my point, right? And my friends who have lost their parents all had different reactions. From being 23 and needing their dad, to being 33 and needing their mom…some got up and went to work and some curled into a ball, And either reaction is fine by my book.
Now. People that go into therapy for their pets…them I have less sympathy for. Sorry, but it’s true.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Don’t even get me started on the animal mourning. I have some readers who love their pets…and that’s fine. I just can’t see it…sorry.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:57 am
This is a tough subject for sure. Everyone handles it in different ways. Even if you aren’t close to the person, you will still feel a sense of loss. Endings are difficult. But if you believe you’ll see that person again, it’s just upsetting that there’s a separation for a season. If you don’t believe you’ll see that person again, it can be devastating.
Pets on the other hand…..I can only speak for myself, but I will be a mess for sure. I’ve had my oldest cat for 18 years. I was young when I got her and it will be very hard for me. I’ve exchanged love and affection with her since she was only a few weeks old, that’s a very long time. Most of my memorable home life has included her. She’s always there to greet me when I come home and get up in the morning. I know all of her meows and likes and dislikes. She knows what I expect from her as well. I’ve spent alot of time with her over the years and yes, I will feel a great loss in my life once she is gone. My home life will forever be altered. There will be a void in my life where that interaction and companionship used to exist. Some people don’t understand this concept. But they shouldn’t judge people who have a reasonable hard time in the event there long time pet dies. But like any other grieving process, it needs to follow a healthy progression so you can move on in life and find a new life without that person/pet.
For me, when my grandma died in 2002, it was just horrible. I have loved her *almost* as much as my mom, I would only go to the 2 of them when I was little without a major meltdown. But she lived in the country and I didn’t get to see her much as it were. Also she wasn’t quite with it the last couple of years and didn’t know who we were anyway, so when she passed, my sadness was more about the loss of the hope in some ideals in my mind that would now never come true. For instance, I had always dreamed of my wedding day including photos of her. Or like bringing my baby down to the country and showing my Gamma my precious blessing from heaven. I always wanted to see her holding my baby. So on one hand you’re glad she’s not in pain anymore or suffering in this world but sad because you won’t get to talk to her anymore and such. Eventually you heal and get to the point where the occasional memories will remind you of your loss. Losing someone from your daily life is different from losing someone that you only see occasionally, you still have a time of mourning to go through.
As far as parents go, I don’t think we ever stop needing them. Ever. By design, we need to know someone else is there to help out and look out for us. Someone who has our own best interest in mind. Some people discover this unending love in God the Father irregardless if their parents are alive, passed, live close or are estranged altogether. I know this woman who’s son was put to death in Texas for killing a police officer for no good reason. She still loved her son and she still feels the loss of him from her life. I couldn’t imagine losing a child. It’s got to be the only worse thing than losing a parent, for sure. Sometimes I think about my relationship with my dad. I don’t put spending time with him on my list of priorities. It’s not that I don’t love and care about him it’s just that it’s hard to rearrange my life to make time to see him when I’m constantly reminded that he chose the bar over me when I was little for years and years and years. But one day, he won’t be here anymore and how will I feel then? I wish I had made the trek down to see my grandma more when I was younger instead of ‘hanging out’ all the time on the weekends with friends that don’t even speak to me anymore.
You only get one go at this life. Great post, Patrick!
December 15th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I will be absolutely crushed when I lose my dog and my grandma…I don’t even want to think about the pain of losing my parents. I tend to be more emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. I can respect the different ways and “levels” of grief that others feel.
Patrick…you are a wonderful husband, father and friend. I feel very lucky to know you.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:36 am
u peple are very lucky bcz u have spneded ur holiday time with ur parents ,, i coudn’t get time for spend holiday with my parents…. but i feel that make sure nobody is having parents in this world like mah parents.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I am unbelievably lucky in having not lost a grandparent until just two years ago when one of my grandfathers passed away. I can’t even imagine what kind of s**t creek I’ll be up when my parents die, I rely on them all the time.
I thought that the way I grieve (I have lost other loved ones, just not necessarily relatives) was normal, but I begin to wonder if it is. I seem to grieve in bursts, like I reach a point where I can’t bear to think about it any more and my brain shuts it off for awhile, then it will hit me again and I grieve some more. Happens to me every time. Maybe I’ll blog about that, if I ever get myself back into that habit.
I am sorry for your loss. The happiest times can be hard knowing that people we love aren’t there to share them with us.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Having lost a father and all of my grandparents, I can say there is definitely a difference. I adored one of my grandmothers, and her death was a deep loss. I miss her more than any of the others who have died. But you expect to lose grandparents. You grow up knowing that they are ‘old people’.
Losing my dad was totally different. Even though he was a hard guy to get along with, and I didn’t feel the same warm fuzzy feelings I had for my grandma, he was my safety net. Parents are there for you when you need to be taken care of. I know that I haven’t needed my parents that way in years, but it is just the ‘idea’ that if I ever needed a loan or a place to live, I could always turn to my parents.
I can’t imagine the sense of aloneness that I will feel when I lose my mom. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through that already…losing both of them.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:56 pm
You picked a heckuva a post for your first comment. You couldn’t pick something just a tad bit lighter?
But, yeah, I suppose the reason the passing of my mother was not so hard was that she had gone through a lot of strokes in the two years before she died. There was a lot of pain and the loss of independence must have been heartbreaking for her. I will always remember her as the fiery woman who took no crap when raising me as opposed to the way she was in her last years.
Though I don’t believe in the concepts of heaven and hell, I certainly believe she is in a pain-free place now…one with the universe…or whatever…but definitely without the pain.
Oh, yeah. Thanks for commenting.