Patrick Says

Regular readers will probably recall I’m not much of an animal lover. It’s not that I hate animals. Because I don’t. I’ve actually gotten a cup and a piece of paper to successfully rescue a bug and free it in the wild. So I don’t hate animals. I can just live fine without them around.

Case in point: I (and The Wife) did some house sitting for my niece on New Years Eve back in 2000. We stayed overnight while she and her band had a gig. She has about five dogs and three cats. During the day, they were fine. In and out and in and out, but expected. What was not expected was what happened when the lights went out…

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched a porno before, but frequently in those movies, you will hear two distinct sounds. They’re very unique. One is a licking/slurping sound that can be heard in the fellatio scenes. I don’t need to go any further on that. The other sound is a smacking sound that can be heard when the male testicles slap the buttocks of the female. (By the way, you have no idea how hard this is to write and still keep it semi-decent.) If you’ve ever watched a porno, you KNOW both sounds…don’t even act like you don’t.

So we turn out the lights and go to sleep and all the animals are in the room. And all at once, we hear both sounds mentioned above amplified four times louder than your TV volume goes. It’s just smack and slurp city as all these animals ferociously lick their own genitals. I think me and The Wife nearly threw up simaltenously. Instead, we got up and starting herding animals out to the living room and closed the bedroom. If they wanted to film the animal version of ‘Caligula’, they could do it on their own time.

That was the last time we house sat for her.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 10th, 2007 at 11:45 pm and is filed under Randomness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.