Patrick Says

Here’s some news about the sequel to ‘Batman Begins’. Apparently, Katie Holmes has ’scheduling conflicts’ and will be unable to appear in the new Batman film. Well, this really isn’t bad news at all. Katie was easily the weakest link in what I would say may be the greatest superhero movie made yet. They could replace her with a cardboard cutout and it would possibly have more depth and believability. Sorry, man…had to be said…

So, the other night I’m trying to teach my almost three-year-old how to say: “Does the carpet match the drapes?” Is that wrong?

Please, whatever you do, DO NOT talk to me when I’m sitting in a public restroom!!! I’m sitting in the stall in the office building restroom at my work, minding my own business, when the door of the room opens and I hear B., the intern, say: “Patrick?”

“Yes???”

“T. told me to tell you I’m borrowing your coat to go outside. Is that okay?”

“Sure, but B….never, ever talk to me again when I’m sitting in the john.”

“Okay.”

Is it just me or is that weird? I would never, in a million years, talk to someone while they are sitting in the crapper. I bearly let my wife talk to me when I’m in there. Does this seem weird to anybody else? Do you care if someone talks to you while you’re ‘doing your business’?

I haven’t posted in awhile. I’m terrible. What can I say? I have some thoughts I’ve been putting together. Let’s throw them out there and see what happens…

• The iPhone was announced, what, last week. BIG FRIGGIN’ DEAL. I have never seen so many people trip and stumble all over each other to get a phone. You’d think the phone has a button for unlimited Coke (or Pepsi, whatever you like). It’s a phone from a first-time phone manufacturer…it’s gonna be buggy as all get out. You people will buy ANYTHING from Apple.
• I passed a billboard today that said ‘Ameren - Low cost electricity through it all’ or something similar. Really, Ameren? Seems you can’t keep the lights on anywhere the last year. A breeze blows through and 100,000 houses go down for a week. If I were you guys, I wouldn’t be bragging about crap. Your slogan should be ‘Ameren - sometimes the stuff works and sometimes it don’t, but don’t call us either way’.
• I passed another billboard that said something about Guadalupe being the Empress of the Americas. I don’t know who this Guadalupe is, but she ain’t my boss. This is America, sister. Go conquer something if you want to be empress.

That’s all I got today. I just wanted you to know I hadn’t forgot you. Later.

(See Part 1 of this series here.)

So after canceling the appointment with that last clown, I had a new appointment with a new doctor in a new building. I arrived and did the customary paperwork and give us $10 dance my insurance company requires. I sat down and waited what must have been four minutes. Wow. Considering the last doctor and subsequent 1.5 hour wait, I was pleasantly surprised.

I was escorted to an office and given some literature on what they were going to do to my pesky. Or rather to my pesky’s two best friends. To be honest, it just doesn’t faze me. A third kid…that would faze me. Give me the knife, doctor and I’ll do the procedure myself. Just keep some gauze on standby. That reminds me of an episode of Nip/Tuck, but I’m getting off track.

The doctor comes in and he seems like a good bloke. He’s big on the eye contact which is fine. We talk for ten or fifteen minutes about kids, procedures, et cetera. And then he comes out with this line: ‘So how about you take your pants down and we’ll take a look?’ Eh? Come again. He repeats the question. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this is pretty common…the last guy was just not that thorough, I guess. So I stand up, undo my pants and drop trou.

Awkward is the word I best feel describes standing in a doctor’s office with your pants around your ankles and the doctor rubbing your testicles like…I have no analogy here. I suppose it’s the equivalent of what you women feel at the OB/GYN office and those stirrups. Awkward. Apparently, I have muscular testicles. If true, it would be the only place on my body I have any muscle mass. Great. If I ever have to pull a car off my family, I’m making my balls do the heavy lifting. Get to it, boys.

Anyway, we are clear for surgery, the doctor seems like a good guy and the countdown is underway. Next entry for this series should be shortly after February 2nd.